Misery is a company

I tried back reading my blog posts just to check how my train of thought was during the past 6 years and I was honestly not surprised at how emotional I was, because frankly that hasn't changed.

I have been open about my mental health pretty much everywhere; on my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter (especially Twitter) and even in person. I was diagnosed way back in 2017 with depression and anxiety then re-diagnosed with Bipolar II after a month of medication and a follow-up consultation. That was September 2017. But I did something wrong. I didn't continue my meds and didn't attend follow-ups. Firstly because it really was too expensive for me. Secondly because I got scared of being too dependent on medications.

So I tried living my life as normal as possible. Of course a few hiccups is inevitable; panic attacks here and there, anxiety attacks, depressive episodes, and the ever exhausting manic episodes. I tried to balance it out by being physically active. They say exercise helps with your mental state but sometimes when everything is just too much, it can actually turn to the worse.

I ended 2018 on a shitty way and started my 2019 on a shittier way. Something bad happened to me which took every ounce of my self-control to not quit on life. Sometimes life really plays with you, right? I actually thought that everything was finally falling into place when 2018 started. I was enjoying my graduate studies, making new friends, learning a lot of stuff; I was finally in an environment I tried so hard to get back to after slaving myself in the corporate world. But the last quarter of 2018 took a 180-degree turn. Everything in my life started falling apart, some because of my own actions or better yet, reactions.

My depression became worse. I either was sleeping too much or not at all, but either way I was exhausted beyond relief. I turned to alcohol. I became dependent for a while; always out drinking and always drinking just above my limit so I could properly feel the buzz and immediately fall asleep when I get home usually on the early hours of the next day. Eventually I tried to balance my binge drinking with exercise, just to release the extra energy I have, which it turns out was too much. I ended up exercising too much. At first I got excited that I'm finally losing weight. But it didn't stop. I kept on shedding off weight and I feel unhappy about it. I eventually reached the point where I always felt exhausted and light headed. Even my period became affected because of the weight I lost. Then I realized that it was because I was just either exercising at the gym or binge drinking at night. My diet was at the worst state since I haven't been eating properly, cause I really don't feel like eating anymore. Everything I was doing was just to keep my mind off of things; sleep, work, exercise, drink.

Eventually smoking was added to that list. I began smoking since alcohol wasn't making me feel that buzz anymore. I have to drink bottles and bottles of beer just to feel that buzz, and I really don't want to have beer belly haha. Smoking became my way of coping with stress. It also helped with calming my nerves what with the high it gives off after every puff of lung poison.

I'm not at my healthiest state as of now. I've been drinking weekly, sometimes thrice a week. I've been smoking almost every other day. I haven't been to the gym for a month. I have been skipping meals. I've been fucking up my sleep schedule. I don't have a healthy diet what with making coffee a meal substitute. But worse of all, I haven't been feeling anything at all.

After wallowing in the pit of despairs last 2019, I just simply became numb altogether. I still feel like I enjoy things especially if it's happening at the moment. But I haven't really felt that joy genuinely. It's like since I already know what it feels like to despair, I look forward to feeling that again. So instead of trying to enjoy things, I look forward to the feeling of sadness that I'm sure will come back to me. Just waiting for the right moment to strike me; to finally push me off the edge and engulf me in the darkness.

The Graduate Student's Life

As per my last post, I'm currently pursuing my Master's degree in the University of Santo Tomas so that's what's keeping me busy for the past couple of months. Allow me to start my post debts by telling you all about my current study :)) apologies for this post will be quite nerdy.

ZESL A&P 2019

This image was taken the morning after some of us got shit drunk (some = me). pic.twitter.com/uBmx0EeBoX

— Tats (@tttttatin) July 14, 2019

Happy Anniversary

It's been exactly a year since I last posted here on my blog. I know I have always neglected this site but this was probably my worst record ever HAHA.


 So yeah, A LOT of stuff has happened and I was honestly contemplating on deleting this blog but I felt like deleting this would be such a waste! Honestly speaking, simply opening the link of this blog was VERY, VERY hard for me. I decided to be open about it here since I'm planning on continuing this little o'l blog of mine. Jem and I are no longer together so you won't be seeing him on my posts anymore haha. We had a good run. Did a lot of stuff. Traveled in most parts of Luzon. Learned a ton of things about the world and about each other. But there really are certain things in life that are supposed to end. I wish him success and happiness wherever life takes him, and I know he too wishes the same for me.

ENOUGH WITH THAT! :))

As what I have said, I'm planning on being an active blogger once again and I just needed to get that stuff out first cause I didn't want to delete/archive our travel posts cause apparently people found it helpful! Thank you for that and I really am sorry for not replying to your comments :(( I seriously just read about them just now, before typing this blog post. I'm such a bad communicator huhu I promise to change and really be active here.

I have a ton of stories to share with you guys so keep posted! I'll be prepping my posts tonight and schedule them for publication in the coming days and weeks. I hope the last 4 months of this amazing year will be a blast for everyone!

See you on my next post :)

-tatin

10 Home Date Ideas

Honestly, this post has been on my draft for who knows how long, but my embarassment is nowhere to be found right now so might as well post it, right? HAHA

Have you ever wondered what Jem and I do during our idle days? Probably not, cause we're not really a bunch of celebrities or someone for that matter. But still, I decided to post some of our usual stuff just for the sake of it!

Not Ready

Guess I'm back again with another travel-unrelated post. Or anything-exciting post.

I honestly started blogging because I was looking for a medium to express my thoughts and emotions. I am not a very social person; like, seriously, NOT a very social person. I don't even consider myself on the level 1 of being a social person; so imagine what I feel when all my frustrations builds up inside. Anyway, I'm writing this post now because I might have come face to face with something I am totally not ready for. It started on this day, Sunday of March 2017.

As always, Jem and I planned our day ahead. We were supposed to meet up at EDSA - P. Tuazon so we could travel back to their condo and engage in our weekly gym routine. Prior to that, I was supposed to do our weekly laundry. But after waking up at 9 in the morning, my body kept on telling me to sleep the day off and to not go outside... I instantly thought of my previous breakdown but immediately brushed it off thinking that it was probably just my laziness acting up again.

But then my head started aching. Both of my temples began pounding as if syncing with a tune I couldn't hear. Then it got worse. The ache encircled the back of my head and all I could think of was the pain I was feeling.

I immediately told my mom I couldn't do our laundry and she told me that she'll just do it herself, albeit it would only be their clothes. A bit disappointed since I will still have to do my own laundry, I got back to my room and laid down, thinking that a bit of rest would make this headache go away. At around quarter to 12, Jem pinged me on FB telling me he wouldn't be able to fetch me at our meet-up place since his mom asked him to register her on one of Nike's weekly run. I wasn't able to reply since my mom called me down to eat our lunch.

Still thinking that this headache of mine would disappear after I fill up my empty stomach, I hungrily munched on my home-cooked special mongo that my step-father prepared. Since I started feeling that the pounding on my head began fading, I decided to head out and go to Jem's condo. I booked a Grab Car since it was already a bit late and I didn't want to commute under the scorching heat.

The moment I stepped on their condo, I felt that my headache returned, and much, much worse. I told Jem that my head was pounding and he apparently offered me to take some meds but I didn't hear him. We went straight to the gym after fixing some of our stuff and began our cardio. With every exercise, the pounding in my head started getting stronger and stronger. After our warm-up, I felt like all of my blood traveled up to my brain as if helping to increase the pounding that was already too painful to handle. Jem settled me on one of the gym equipment and ushered me to rest instead.

I tried my best to take even just a short nap so I can free myself from the pain even for just a short while but I wasn't able to. I got up after 30-40 minutes or so (it was only after that that I was able to move) and told Jem that I'll just be lying outside near the swimming pool, thinking that the fresh air would help me. Jem finished his routine for another 10-15 minutes before going to me and helping me up. I actually needed his support. as well as the walls', so I could walk to the elevator.

When we got back to their condo, he gave me a paracetamol and asked me to wash up so that I could feel refreshed. Release my body from the heat, per se. After washing up, I hastily tried to dry my hair and lied down to catch some sleep, as he instructed me to.

I felt him lie next to me after a few minutes and I snuggled to him as I tried to get back to sleeping while he was reading some reviewer on his phone. It was a restless sleep and I didn't feel refreshed after it. When we woke up (he fell asleep too after reviewing for 10 minutes), we cuddled and talked about random things and I still felt like my head was about to burst in half. I don't exactly know what triggered it but then I suddenly began feeling extremely sad. I tried searching for a reason as to why but came up with nothing. I felt my throat lock up and felt a scream wanting to come out... then I cried. Then I had another panic attack.

Jem shushed me and comforted me all throughout. Then I realized what was wrong. Why I suddenly felt sad even when I was lying next to the person I consider most important to me. I felt scared... thinking back, I was already feeling this way days, weeks even, ahead. I've had this constant dream of Jem leaving me for another woman he met on one of his duties on the hospital. Then it got worse when I wasn't only dreaming about it (something I couldn't control) but I was thinking, imaging even, it (something that I should be able to control). I honestly felt scared of our future. Our relationship. Him leaving me. Me, being too dependent on him. Every little thing that would involved the two of us. I started imagining how would our stuff be divided when we broke up, because most of it are things that we bought 50/50. I started imagining seeing him years ahead, after our supposed break up, with another woman and me single acting as if everything was okay. The lowest I got was when I started thinking that he was cheating on me even though he had never given me a reason to feel that way... I felt worse when I realized that even I myself can't control my thoughts. I know he's a great man but my mind kept perverting his image. Telling me that he has an ugly side. Someone I haven't even seen or met. My own mind was contorting the image of the person I love into some monster that I would hate. As if telling me to save myself from a future full of heartache and pain even though he hadn't even given me a reason to feel that way. All this time he treated me like his equal. Something he would always protect. Treating me the way he treats himself; with respect and love...

So I told him. He was silent for the most part but right after it he encouraged me with words that I have always heard from him. He had told me daily that he loves me and that it would never change. But somehow it always feel like it was the first time I hear that from him. I felt glad that he understood and he didn't scoffed at me. That he didn't think I was only being dramatic. I felt glad that he was honestly worried about me. He assured me, like always, that his feelings wouldn't change. But still, we have to work together for our relationship to flourish and last.

I started calming down. But my headache was still there. Then he told me. That what I fear most was probably already happening. My headache was not caused by some biological thing (skipping meals, not getting enough sleep, etc) but by something psychological.

I was already assuming I have it but kept on telling myself that I was probably just on the dramatic side of the human spectrum. But with the pattern of constant worry of something that is not immediate. Something that is not there. Then the constant feeling of restlessness. Not being able to focus when feeling worried about something I imagined. Episodic headaches on the same location of the head which sometimes reaches the eyes and makes it blurry. The panic attacks. The episodic feeling of difficulty in breathing...

He suggested that I should go talk to the psychiatrist I know. Just so I could get a clear answer if I really am suffering with anxiety. I might go this week. Or maybe the next. Or maybe when I feel ready. I don't know. I'm already feeling anxious thinking about it...

DIY: Cheap Fashionable Glasses

Let's take a break from all the travelling stuff because I just wanted to share this thing I do whenever I'm faced with the inevitable: "I need to change my eye glasses".

Photo grabbed from here

A New Beginning: 2017 Bucket List

Just like in the past, I've once again created my bucket list for this year. It might be quite a bit lit late since January is almost done, but hey, better late than never right?

So here ya go, fingers crossed that this will also be the posts you can look forward to :)

Blurred out some stuff here 'cause they're a bit personal (like life changing personal) hehe but I'll still talk about it should I be able to tick it off (hopefully).

Happy New Year!

Hi everyone!

I know I haven't been updating my blog AGAIN since November of last year but worry not because I am back! I've been quite busy (with work, life, and my mental stability haha) towards the end of the year so I am soooo full of wonderful stories I want to share!

I'll still continue on updating my accomplishments from last year's bucket list so yeah, I still have plenty to catch on.

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and that the new year has greeted you well, like mine!

November 13, 2016

So yesterday I had a mental breakdown.

It was not the first time, but this was the first time after so long.
I thought I could still keep it together but it just all suddenly came crashing down.
All of my problems. All of my insecurities. All of my faked confidence.

The day actually started fine. I woke up quite early for a Sunday morning.
I did our laundry (my mom's, stepdad's, and mine).
I cleaned my backpack. I cleaned my Sk8 Hi. I cleaned my favorite stuffed toy, Duckie.
I ate my breakfast. I had lunch with my family.
Then I lie down to rest.

Jem pinged me on Facebook late afternoon; we had plans for that day.
I told him I'll be quite late since I'm still resting. He agreed.
He said he was sorry he couldn't pick me up but I said it was OK. And I was sure that it was OK.
Like everything is.

Then my anxiety kicked in.

I didn't want to leave our house.
I didn't want to see him.
I didn't want to see anybody.
I wanted to be at home. I wanted to stay still. I wanted to be alone.
But I had to leave 'cause we don't get to see each other very often these days.

Then my anxiety worsened.

I thought of all the days we weren't together. I thought of the days ahead that we won't be seeing each other. I thought of the days that I would need to keep my everything together. I thought of how my resolve to keep our relationship keeps on dwindling by each passing day. I thought of all of my insecurities about myself, about our relationship. I thought of how awful I am as a girlfriend and as a person for thinking cruel things towards him. I thought of how my future will be. What with all of my shattered dreams and unplanned course of action. I thought of how everyone I know, everyone I love, are slowly but surely stepping away from me. Leaving me to fend for myself and my worthlessness. Leaving me to solve all of problems, all of my insecurities. Leaving me with my awful thoughts.

And without noticing it, I was already with Jem all along. He was holding me while I poured out all of my pent up anger and frustrations. I cried and cried for more than an hour. But still trying to keep it together, because I couldn't add to his already enormous amount of problems.

So I remained stubborn.
He kept on asking me what was wrong but I told him to leave it be.
That I should be the one to worry about it. To think about it. To solve it.
I tried to laugh it off. Joking about how my breakdown started (that I didn't want to go to gym).
I told him to forget about it and that we should move on.
And I told myself to forget about it too, for the time being.

Then I got angry at myself.
Because even though I should and could tell him right then, and there, I got scared.
That all of my negative thoughts would come true.
That every thought my pessimistic mind conjured up will have a place on my reality.

So we kissed. And made up, even though we didn't really had a fight.
We went to the gym and I acted that everything is fine. Everything is all right.

But it wasn't. Up until now, I feel guilty for leaving him in the dark.
Up until now, I feel awful for how I let my cowardice get the better of me.
Up until now, I feel regret as to why I didn't tell him, tell anyone for that matter.

And you know what's the worst part is?
I know how I can help myself. To ease myself from feeling this pain, even if it's just a slight relief.

Justice through Social Media(?)

When has this been an accepted norm? Why is it being practiced in the first place?

Seriously, my feed is constantly bombarded by posts that aims to "seek justice" from their actual or supposed experience of injustice.

To be honest, whenever I see one of those, I silently laugh and simultaneously pity you. What you're trying to do is seek the sympathy of the masses. Asking them to be on your side because you're the first one to air out your frustrations. This is what I do especially in cases wherein there are supposedly two parties involved.

There are things that should and should not be posted in social media. There are information that are supposed to be filtered from our itchy hands. There are situations that should be kept in private. And there are injustices that can be resolved without the knowledge of all of the world.

There was a saying created by the news reports team of one channel: Think, before you click.
And I'm afraid this is not being taken seriously. What most netizen actually do is "Click, before you think." and what's worst is that sometimes thinking is not even part of the process.

Don't I?

I have the right to choose what really makes me happy, don't I?

It can't always be accepting things that I'm highly against and live with it my entire life, right?

I'm not a human who can bear so much weight on their shoulder and live life as if nothing's wrong and everything is perfect, right?

I can't always sacrifice my happiness and continue to fight if it isn't working anymore for me, right?

I'm just a normal human being who has limits and has the right to choose between what makes me happy and what makes me feel incomplete, aren't I?

posted from Bloggeroid

Help?

I can't stop thinking about it. I try my best to distract myself.. fck I can't even write a proper blog post about it.

I'm tired. I don't want to deal with this kind of things anymore. I want it to end but I'm afraid that if I stop fighting, it'll be the end of what I have always wanted in my life.

I can't help but think about leaving. About stopping. About not giving a single fck. About not caring.

But in the end I know that if I do, it'll be my greatest regret.

posted from Bloggeroid

Explaining feelings is feeling...

Explaining what you're feeling to other people will be one of the hardest things you will be doing in your life time.

Our vocabulary simply lacks the words to use in order to express and explain what you are truly feeling.

Recently, I've tried sharing what I am going through. And it wasn't enough. I wasn't able to properly convey my message that can be easily summarized into: I'm sad and depressed.

Whenever we express what we feel, we as humans, tend to follow up the statement with the question why. That leads us to suddenly thinking that we should be able to justify what we are feeling. And it's just that not easy.

For one, feeling depressed sometimes strips you out of the right words you want to say. Just like how it strips you out of energy to do things, like eat three times a day.

I understand that we need some sort of validation as to our feelings so that whoever wants to help us will know the cause and in turn, the most reasonable resolution. But we must also understand how limited our medium of communication is. As what most of us say, not everything can be put into words.

posted from Bloggeroid

Again...

It's back.
I'm starting to feel it again...But now that I think about it, I don't think this feeling actually went away. Maybe, maybe it just hid itself for a long time. Hidden itself so to allow me to enjoy my life as it is for a few weeks, a few months. And now, it re-surfaced. Ever so slowly chipping away the pieces that I tried so hard to put back together.

**DISCLAIMER:We all handle problems differently.

Thoughts from the past year and of everyday of my life

I sometimes wonder if you do really care.

Cause I do. I fucking do.

Sometimes I want to tell you things. But you know me, right? I can't always do that. You, of all people should know that that would feel like sucking away a few minutes of my life. I want to tell you, I do. But I tend to get scared. I freaking get scared. That it will be too much. That I will be too much. For you. That you'll get sick of this little girl that I actually am.

That's why I have other ways where I can let my feelings out. Where I can let my thoughts fly freely.

I found my medium and I am continuously exposing myself to the world through it.

I provided you access. Heck, I wanted you to see it. I wanted you to see me.

But, it seems that you don't like these kind of things. It's childlike, I know. Believe me, I know. But I just wanted you to see me the way I see myself. Because we're so different, you and I. That difference is what makes us perfect and I adore it. I love it. But sometimes I feel like that difference might lead to something else.

I'm a disaster. And I'm afraid that slowly, without us even noticing it, I'm already destroying the one great thing I have had in this lifetime because of me being like this.

Because of what I actually am.

Ningas-kugon

This is rant post. You have been warned.

Continuing...

This post is about the recent visit of the Head of the Church here in the Philippines.

It was an honor, really, no sarcasm intended there. Being a Christian living in a country where Catholicism is widely recognized and practiced, a visit by the Pope was a huge honor.

I have read some excerpts from his speeches and yes, it was beautiful. The content, the meaning, the message. It was all so beautiful.

I admit, I'm not one of the people who lined up on days end just to get a glimpse of him. I'm not one of the people who waited behind hundreds of people just so I could see his smiling, adorable I might say, face. Heck, I'm not not even one of the devoted Catholics. I don't religiously attend Sunday services. I don't do the rosary. I honestly confessed to a priest only once because it was required for me to do so. I don't believe in saints...

But I do believe in God. I love Him. I pray to Him in every chance I can. I talk to Him. I visit His place of worship whenever I can and talk to Him, thank Him, praise Him, ask for apologies... I have my faith in Him.

That was why I loved how the Pope reminded us that his visit should not be focused on him but to God. To the big guy upstairs. To the being we should all be looking up to.

And this is the reason this post will be a rant.

I hate how the Pope's visit lost this meaning. People craved to see the Pope when his visit should act as a reminder to pray for who he is representing. Statuses on various social media accounts turned into some conversion of non-religious to saints. Posts talking about how blessed they felt after seeing the Pope when we should've felt blessed everyday since God has given us another day. Another day to make memories, to reach out and help, to achieve something, to make another step towards our goal. I hate how I know deep inside this will be another one of the events where history will be written down but it will all just be it. History. No changes to be made. It will be just one of the days where people gathered to see someone.

I just hope that people, Filipinos specifically, truly understood the meaning of his visit. It was not supposed to be about him, but to be about Him. About God. About His goodness and greatness.

I hope with every post made, every word said or written, it will not just be left like that. No actions whatsoever. There should always be action. There should be changes made. Maybe not so much for the country, but for each and every individual's lives.

Live better.
Love greater.

Best Regards,

Disappointing

I feel so disappointed at myself.

I told myself years and years before that I wouldn't be like this. Acting like a spoiled little girl who wants everything to be perfectly following whatever she wanted. Everything according to plan. Everything according to what she has on mind.

I hate myself.

For The Past Few Days

I don't feel genuinely happy.
I don't have an appetite for anything.
I don't like to mingle with people.
I walk with my head down.
I haven't had a decent conversation with anyone.
Every time I try to smile my throat locks up and I get teary.

I'm even having trouble arranging my own thoughts.
The world is trying to aid me to deal with things and yet I'm the one depriving it of the opportunity to help me.