November 13, 2016

So yesterday I had a mental breakdown.

It was not the first time, but this was the first time after so long.
I thought I could still keep it together but it just all suddenly came crashing down.
All of my problems. All of my insecurities. All of my faked confidence.

The day actually started fine. I woke up quite early for a Sunday morning.
I did our laundry (my mom's, stepdad's, and mine).
I cleaned my backpack. I cleaned my Sk8 Hi. I cleaned my favorite stuffed toy, Duckie.
I ate my breakfast. I had lunch with my family.
Then I lie down to rest.

Jem pinged me on Facebook late afternoon; we had plans for that day.
I told him I'll be quite late since I'm still resting. He agreed.
He said he was sorry he couldn't pick me up but I said it was OK. And I was sure that it was OK.
Like everything is.

Then my anxiety kicked in.

I didn't want to leave our house.
I didn't want to see him.
I didn't want to see anybody.
I wanted to be at home. I wanted to stay still. I wanted to be alone.
But I had to leave 'cause we don't get to see each other very often these days.

Then my anxiety worsened.

I thought of all the days we weren't together. I thought of the days ahead that we won't be seeing each other. I thought of the days that I would need to keep my everything together. I thought of how my resolve to keep our relationship keeps on dwindling by each passing day. I thought of all of my insecurities about myself, about our relationship. I thought of how awful I am as a girlfriend and as a person for thinking cruel things towards him. I thought of how my future will be. What with all of my shattered dreams and unplanned course of action. I thought of how everyone I know, everyone I love, are slowly but surely stepping away from me. Leaving me to fend for myself and my worthlessness. Leaving me to solve all of problems, all of my insecurities. Leaving me with my awful thoughts.

And without noticing it, I was already with Jem all along. He was holding me while I poured out all of my pent up anger and frustrations. I cried and cried for more than an hour. But still trying to keep it together, because I couldn't add to his already enormous amount of problems.

So I remained stubborn.
He kept on asking me what was wrong but I told him to leave it be.
That I should be the one to worry about it. To think about it. To solve it.
I tried to laugh it off. Joking about how my breakdown started (that I didn't want to go to gym).
I told him to forget about it and that we should move on.
And I told myself to forget about it too, for the time being.

Then I got angry at myself.
Because even though I should and could tell him right then, and there, I got scared.
That all of my negative thoughts would come true.
That every thought my pessimistic mind conjured up will have a place on my reality.

So we kissed. And made up, even though we didn't really had a fight.
We went to the gym and I acted that everything is fine. Everything is all right.

But it wasn't. Up until now, I feel guilty for leaving him in the dark.
Up until now, I feel awful for how I let my cowardice get the better of me.
Up until now, I feel regret as to why I didn't tell him, tell anyone for that matter.

And you know what's the worst part is?
I know how I can help myself. To ease myself from feeling this pain, even if it's just a slight relief.