Again...

It's back.
I'm starting to feel it again...But now that I think about it, I don't think this feeling actually went away. Maybe, maybe it just hid itself for a long time. Hidden itself so to allow me to enjoy my life as it is for a few weeks, a few months. And now, it re-surfaced. Ever so slowly chipping away the pieces that I tried so hard to put back together.

**DISCLAIMER:We all handle problems differently.



I consider myself a living proof of bitterness.

To make the long story short, what I wanted was to go study. To finish what I started. To live my dream. To reach that ever so unfeasible goal I've set. To be a doctor.

But where am I now? I'm sitting here on an office chair, typing on an office-owned laptop. I'm at work.

I'm fucking working.

I'm not living my dream. I'm far from enjoying my life. I don't like every bit of how I feel right now.

If you're reading this and you feel that I'm one ungrateful person, then you're probably right.

I hate whatever I'm doing right now. I hate that I'm here. I hate that my friends are all studying. I hate that I get to see that every fucking day. I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate myself for resenting them. I hate myself.

I don't wish anyone to feel the same because it's hard. It's hard, it hurts, it's not healthy, and it drives you crazy.

Any person in the world shouldn't feel this way. To feel like they have no shot in achieving their dream just because they're being hindered by one simple thing. For me, I'm financially incapable of supporting myself.

"ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT?! THERE ARE SCHOLARSHIPS OUT THERE!"

I've spent practically my whole summer after I graduated looking for some institution that offers one. One that offers a realistic one. But unfortunately for me, I don't have that much of a good record for me to apply. Not to mention that I still need to take entrance exams and whatnot that costs too much. So there, I settled. I told myself that I will take a break. Work for now, earn some money and then save some.

But whoop-de-whoop! I don't like it. Surprise, surprise.

There's no easy way out. I'm on a good start, you'd say.. but I'm just tired.

I shouldn't be here. I don't belong here. I don't like it here.

They say the worst prison is living the life you don't want. And right now, it's where I am. I can't escape. There's no way out.. unless of course I submit a resignation letter and be a bum who doesn't help the family out.

Recently, I've been unashamed of expressing myself. I cry while I'm on the office. I cry while I'm walking. I cry when I'm on a public transport. I freaking cry everywhere. Sometime the pain just becomes unbearable that you can't help but to let a few held back tears escape out.

Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to take on this heavy feeling for a longer period of time. Sometimes I do wonder what it really feels like to have no dreams at all.

To just live life. To just ride whatever wave goes your way. To never ever feel so helpless about not being able to do what you really want.

Sometimes I just want to truly let go.