Not Ready

Guess I'm back again with another travel-unrelated post. Or anything-exciting post.

I honestly started blogging because I was looking for a medium to express my thoughts and emotions. I am not a very social person; like, seriously, NOT a very social person. I don't even consider myself on the level 1 of being a social person; so imagine what I feel when all my frustrations builds up inside. Anyway, I'm writing this post now because I might have come face to face with something I am totally not ready for. It started on this day, Sunday of March 2017.

As always, Jem and I planned our day ahead. We were supposed to meet up at EDSA - P. Tuazon so we could travel back to their condo and engage in our weekly gym routine. Prior to that, I was supposed to do our weekly laundry. But after waking up at 9 in the morning, my body kept on telling me to sleep the day off and to not go outside... I instantly thought of my previous breakdown but immediately brushed it off thinking that it was probably just my laziness acting up again.

But then my head started aching. Both of my temples began pounding as if syncing with a tune I couldn't hear. Then it got worse. The ache encircled the back of my head and all I could think of was the pain I was feeling.

I immediately told my mom I couldn't do our laundry and she told me that she'll just do it herself, albeit it would only be their clothes. A bit disappointed since I will still have to do my own laundry, I got back to my room and laid down, thinking that a bit of rest would make this headache go away. At around quarter to 12, Jem pinged me on FB telling me he wouldn't be able to fetch me at our meet-up place since his mom asked him to register her on one of Nike's weekly run. I wasn't able to reply since my mom called me down to eat our lunch.

Still thinking that this headache of mine would disappear after I fill up my empty stomach, I hungrily munched on my home-cooked special mongo that my step-father prepared. Since I started feeling that the pounding on my head began fading, I decided to head out and go to Jem's condo. I booked a Grab Car since it was already a bit late and I didn't want to commute under the scorching heat.

The moment I stepped on their condo, I felt that my headache returned, and much, much worse. I told Jem that my head was pounding and he apparently offered me to take some meds but I didn't hear him. We went straight to the gym after fixing some of our stuff and began our cardio. With every exercise, the pounding in my head started getting stronger and stronger. After our warm-up, I felt like all of my blood traveled up to my brain as if helping to increase the pounding that was already too painful to handle. Jem settled me on one of the gym equipment and ushered me to rest instead.

I tried my best to take even just a short nap so I can free myself from the pain even for just a short while but I wasn't able to. I got up after 30-40 minutes or so (it was only after that that I was able to move) and told Jem that I'll just be lying outside near the swimming pool, thinking that the fresh air would help me. Jem finished his routine for another 10-15 minutes before going to me and helping me up. I actually needed his support. as well as the walls', so I could walk to the elevator.

When we got back to their condo, he gave me a paracetamol and asked me to wash up so that I could feel refreshed. Release my body from the heat, per se. After washing up, I hastily tried to dry my hair and lied down to catch some sleep, as he instructed me to.

I felt him lie next to me after a few minutes and I snuggled to him as I tried to get back to sleeping while he was reading some reviewer on his phone. It was a restless sleep and I didn't feel refreshed after it. When we woke up (he fell asleep too after reviewing for 10 minutes), we cuddled and talked about random things and I still felt like my head was about to burst in half. I don't exactly know what triggered it but then I suddenly began feeling extremely sad. I tried searching for a reason as to why but came up with nothing. I felt my throat lock up and felt a scream wanting to come out... then I cried. Then I had another panic attack.

Jem shushed me and comforted me all throughout. Then I realized what was wrong. Why I suddenly felt sad even when I was lying next to the person I consider most important to me. I felt scared... thinking back, I was already feeling this way days, weeks even, ahead. I've had this constant dream of Jem leaving me for another woman he met on one of his duties on the hospital. Then it got worse when I wasn't only dreaming about it (something I couldn't control) but I was thinking, imaging even, it (something that I should be able to control). I honestly felt scared of our future. Our relationship. Him leaving me. Me, being too dependent on him. Every little thing that would involved the two of us. I started imagining how would our stuff be divided when we broke up, because most of it are things that we bought 50/50. I started imagining seeing him years ahead, after our supposed break up, with another woman and me single acting as if everything was okay. The lowest I got was when I started thinking that he was cheating on me even though he had never given me a reason to feel that way... I felt worse when I realized that even I myself can't control my thoughts. I know he's a great man but my mind kept perverting his image. Telling me that he has an ugly side. Someone I haven't even seen or met. My own mind was contorting the image of the person I love into some monster that I would hate. As if telling me to save myself from a future full of heartache and pain even though he hadn't even given me a reason to feel that way. All this time he treated me like his equal. Something he would always protect. Treating me the way he treats himself; with respect and love...

So I told him. He was silent for the most part but right after it he encouraged me with words that I have always heard from him. He had told me daily that he loves me and that it would never change. But somehow it always feel like it was the first time I hear that from him. I felt glad that he understood and he didn't scoffed at me. That he didn't think I was only being dramatic. I felt glad that he was honestly worried about me. He assured me, like always, that his feelings wouldn't change. But still, we have to work together for our relationship to flourish and last.

I started calming down. But my headache was still there. Then he told me. That what I fear most was probably already happening. My headache was not caused by some biological thing (skipping meals, not getting enough sleep, etc) but by something psychological.

I was already assuming I have it but kept on telling myself that I was probably just on the dramatic side of the human spectrum. But with the pattern of constant worry of something that is not immediate. Something that is not there. Then the constant feeling of restlessness. Not being able to focus when feeling worried about something I imagined. Episodic headaches on the same location of the head which sometimes reaches the eyes and makes it blurry. The panic attacks. The episodic feeling of difficulty in breathing...

He suggested that I should go talk to the psychiatrist I know. Just so I could get a clear answer if I really am suffering with anxiety. I might go this week. Or maybe the next. Or maybe when I feel ready. I don't know. I'm already feeling anxious thinking about it...