Misery is a company

I tried back reading my blog posts just to check how my train of thought was during the past 6 years and I was honestly not surprised at how emotional I was, because frankly that hasn't changed.

I have been open about my mental health pretty much everywhere; on my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter (especially Twitter) and even in person. I was diagnosed way back in 2017 with depression and anxiety then re-diagnosed with Bipolar II after a month of medication and a follow-up consultation. That was September 2017. But I did something wrong. I didn't continue my meds and didn't attend follow-ups. Firstly because it really was too expensive for me. Secondly because I got scared of being too dependent on medications.

So I tried living my life as normal as possible. Of course a few hiccups is inevitable; panic attacks here and there, anxiety attacks, depressive episodes, and the ever exhausting manic episodes. I tried to balance it out by being physically active. They say exercise helps with your mental state but sometimes when everything is just too much, it can actually turn to the worse.

I ended 2018 on a shitty way and started my 2019 on a shittier way. Something bad happened to me which took every ounce of my self-control to not quit on life. Sometimes life really plays with you, right? I actually thought that everything was finally falling into place when 2018 started. I was enjoying my graduate studies, making new friends, learning a lot of stuff; I was finally in an environment I tried so hard to get back to after slaving myself in the corporate world. But the last quarter of 2018 took a 180-degree turn. Everything in my life started falling apart, some because of my own actions or better yet, reactions.

My depression became worse. I either was sleeping too much or not at all, but either way I was exhausted beyond relief. I turned to alcohol. I became dependent for a while; always out drinking and always drinking just above my limit so I could properly feel the buzz and immediately fall asleep when I get home usually on the early hours of the next day. Eventually I tried to balance my binge drinking with exercise, just to release the extra energy I have, which it turns out was too much. I ended up exercising too much. At first I got excited that I'm finally losing weight. But it didn't stop. I kept on shedding off weight and I feel unhappy about it. I eventually reached the point where I always felt exhausted and light headed. Even my period became affected because of the weight I lost. Then I realized that it was because I was just either exercising at the gym or binge drinking at night. My diet was at the worst state since I haven't been eating properly, cause I really don't feel like eating anymore. Everything I was doing was just to keep my mind off of things; sleep, work, exercise, drink.

Eventually smoking was added to that list. I began smoking since alcohol wasn't making me feel that buzz anymore. I have to drink bottles and bottles of beer just to feel that buzz, and I really don't want to have beer belly haha. Smoking became my way of coping with stress. It also helped with calming my nerves what with the high it gives off after every puff of lung poison.

I'm not at my healthiest state as of now. I've been drinking weekly, sometimes thrice a week. I've been smoking almost every other day. I haven't been to the gym for a month. I have been skipping meals. I've been fucking up my sleep schedule. I don't have a healthy diet what with making coffee a meal substitute. But worse of all, I haven't been feeling anything at all.

After wallowing in the pit of despairs last 2019, I just simply became numb altogether. I still feel like I enjoy things especially if it's happening at the moment. But I haven't really felt that joy genuinely. It's like since I already know what it feels like to despair, I look forward to feeling that again. So instead of trying to enjoy things, I look forward to the feeling of sadness that I'm sure will come back to me. Just waiting for the right moment to strike me; to finally push me off the edge and engulf me in the darkness.

El Nido Tour A: El Nido Basics!

Before traveling to El Nido, we already booked a tour with one of the contacts the conference we attended knew. From the different tour packages El Nido offers, Tour A has been the most popular (and cheapest at only PHP 1200) so we decided on taking this as well.

El Nido babies! (from left to right: Kenneth, ME!, (back) Sir Rey, Dani <3, Ma'am Donna, Ate Eli, Lexie, Abby)

Barhopping at El Nido!

Last May 2019, I, along with some of my lab mates and thesis adviser, attended a conference at Puerto Princesa, Palawan. AND SINCE we were already at Palawan, why not end our trip with a bang, right?! Immediately the morning after the conference, we rented a van to travel down to El Nido and what a way to start off our relaxation but to get shit drunk at one of Philippines' paradise!

 

First to choose the booze, first to get buzz!

Let's be cultured: Phantom of the Opera at Solaire

Remember when I said I'll properly take care of my blog this time around? WELL SHIT HAPPENS HAHA but I'm back (yet again!) trying to catch up with the drafts piled up on my profile!

I'll try to keep this one short cause I want to write more about my other adventures last 2019 hehe. But I wanted to include this one cause this has been literally a check from my life's bucket list!

 Taken near the lounge area of The Theatre at Solaire Resorts & Casino

San Pablo Laguna's Twin Lakes

Here' my first travel post of 2019! Technically not a travel post cause this was related to my graduate studies but what the hell, right? haha

As promised, I'll be posting the places I have visited for my fieldworks. So first off, the Seven Maar Lakes of San Pablo, Laguna.

The Graduate Student's Life

As per my last post, I'm currently pursuing my Master's degree in the University of Santo Tomas so that's what's keeping me busy for the past couple of months. Allow me to start my post debts by telling you all about my current study :)) apologies for this post will be quite nerdy.

ZESL A&P 2019

This image was taken the morning after some of us got shit drunk (some = me). pic.twitter.com/uBmx0EeBoX

— Tats (@tttttatin) July 14, 2019

Happy Anniversary

It's been exactly a year since I last posted here on my blog. I know I have always neglected this site but this was probably my worst record ever HAHA.


 So yeah, A LOT of stuff has happened and I was honestly contemplating on deleting this blog but I felt like deleting this would be such a waste! Honestly speaking, simply opening the link of this blog was VERY, VERY hard for me. I decided to be open about it here since I'm planning on continuing this little o'l blog of mine. Jem and I are no longer together so you won't be seeing him on my posts anymore haha. We had a good run. Did a lot of stuff. Traveled in most parts of Luzon. Learned a ton of things about the world and about each other. But there really are certain things in life that are supposed to end. I wish him success and happiness wherever life takes him, and I know he too wishes the same for me.

ENOUGH WITH THAT! :))

As what I have said, I'm planning on being an active blogger once again and I just needed to get that stuff out first cause I didn't want to delete/archive our travel posts cause apparently people found it helpful! Thank you for that and I really am sorry for not replying to your comments :(( I seriously just read about them just now, before typing this blog post. I'm such a bad communicator huhu I promise to change and really be active here.

I have a ton of stories to share with you guys so keep posted! I'll be prepping my posts tonight and schedule them for publication in the coming days and weeks. I hope the last 4 months of this amazing year will be a blast for everyone!

See you on my next post :)

-tatin

10 Home Date Ideas

Honestly, this post has been on my draft for who knows how long, but my embarassment is nowhere to be found right now so might as well post it, right? HAHA

Have you ever wondered what Jem and I do during our idle days? Probably not, cause we're not really a bunch of celebrities or someone for that matter. But still, I decided to post some of our usual stuff just for the sake of it!

Returning to the Blogger Life

I owe a bunch of life, love, and travel stories to this blog. BIG. TIME.
I haven't been active for quite some time now, more than half a year actually, because I just lost the will and the thought that my blog, this blog, is important. When in all actuality, it is very, very important to me. This page right here is like an online diary for me. Allowing me write down all my thoughts and opinions on things.

So allow by restarting, yet again, my blog this late 2018 by saying that I have finally ticked off a grand item from my bucket list. And that is: TO CONTINUE MY STUDIES :)

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Me after officially enrolling for the first time in 4 years!

Our first for 2018: A trip to San Narciso, Zambales

Another year, another set of adventures waiting to be told!

Since Jem and I were hoping to follow through our promise of 1 adventure per month, we spontaneously decided to go beach camping last January 27. This was so unlike us since we particularly like planning ahead and making sure that everything is as smooth as it can get before heading out. But since we were too busy with all of our personal stuff, when Jem saw an opportunity for an out of town trip, he immediately grabbed it!

Staycation at Bellini Suites

I can't believe I always let time pass before posting stuff here on my blog! Anyway, to get back on track, I'm scheduled to post 2 updates that was supposed to be for the year of 2017. So to start off, I'll just post the last adventure Jem and I did before ending 2017 with our respective families ;)

From South to North: Laguna, Rizal, and Antipolo!

Another long overdue post, as usual.

So anyway, back in August (wow, this post is like 3 months late HAHA) Jem and I decided on heading out for a quick getaway from the city life. Since we didn't really have a large amount of money and only have limited time, we decided on heading back to Kaliraya Surf Kamp for some outdoor adventure!

Diary Entry: August 31, 2017

I've been inactive for a while now because I don't really have something worthwhile to talk about (or so I feel) but I guess I needed to let this one out even if it will just be here. It's been one complete week since I went out to seek assistance somewhere in Rosario, Pasig.

I was scheduled for a quick, which turned to a long, meeting last August 31 since it was the only opening the person I was meeting had. I called to schedule a meeting probably 3 weeks before that date so that's how in demand she was. Typically, I would have chickened out the last minute, but because of the support I received and how the logical side of my brain coaxed me in continuing, I entered and waited inside her little, homey office.

I found out about her with the help of a very close friend who asked another friend of ours. I was hesitant on calling the number given to me, thinking that I might end up wasting both her and my time by dropping by. Hours passed before I finally gave in and dialed her number using the phone inside our tiny, yellow office. Her secretary answered on the third ring and asked me a few questions and informed me of the next open schedule. I confirmed for an afternoon meeting on August 31; conveniently, it was our pay day and the start of another long weekend.

A day before my schedule, I asked my manager if I can take the day off due to medical reasons. He didn't ask anymore than that and agreed. I slept at Jem's house the night before since I needed to take care of another thing early in the morning. We probably only had 3-4 hours of sleep because we were talking 'till late at night.

Morning came and we both got ready. Him for his duty in UST Hospital and me for my big day ahead. After finishing my agenda in UST, I quickly headed to her office. I felt the drum of my heart with every step I take to get to my destination and the cold sweat that ran down the line of my back. I was scared. Then all of a sudden, I was already in front of her office. Sitting on a black plump sofa. Already waiting for my turn.

I texted Jem that I wanted out but he insisted that I should go since I was already there. He sent me supportive messages and I left it at that since I know he too was busy with his duty. When I felt that my knees were turning weak and my hands were sweating profusely, I stepped out and decided to eat at a nearby food stall to calm my nerves.

I returned right after and waited patiently for my name to be called. Since I was scheduled after her lunch break, I was able to take a short nap on her very comfy sand-colored sofa. There were a number of people waiting like me when I opened my eyes. Not long after, she came out of her office with a stack of folders in hand and called for my name.

"de Leon? Justine de Leon?" she announced.
I got up, "Yes po," I said. She smiled and ushered me inside her office.

Her office was filled with natural light. Really, the artificial ones didn't really help at all. There was a big book shelf on one side with a space that serves as her table and two big sofas situated on the middle back of the room. Between them was a brown coffee table. I couldn't help but look around her spacious office and observe every single detail because I needed to calm my steel nerves.

She gestured for me to sit down and she followed suit.
"So," she started, "how can I help you, Justine?"
An incomprehensible sound came out of my mouth followed by a short, embarrassed laugh.
"I honestly don't know where to start..." I replied.

But even after saying that, I was able to open up to her. My woes and all the negative thoughts I had clamped up inside. We probably talked more than what time let me feel. I walked out of her office after an hour with 2 prescription papers on my hand. One with 3 copies since she told me that pharmacists are heavily strict on that particular medicine.

I was diagnosed with depression.

And I have to take 2 prescription medicines to help me. Along with the feeling of depression, anxiety and panic attacks are very common so these two are also being addressed by the medicines given to me.

I've been taking my medicines for the past 6 days. The first time I took it, I felt like my head had weights attached to it. Not long after I took it, I was dead asleep on my bed. I was woken up the following morning by our dog, Aina, jumping on me. That was the longest sleep I had for the past few months. Before, I usually wake up in the early morning hours, usually around 3AM and get back to sleep by 5AM.

I searched for the side effects of the medicines I'm taking and mostly it says that I'll be feeling sleepy. Indeed I feel sleepy for the entire day. Thankfully I don't feel tired at all but just really, really sleepy.

Since it's only going to be a week since I started taking my medicines, I haven't really felt any changes with my psyche lol but hopefully, soon I'll be seeing any.

I'm scheduled for a follow-up this coming September 30 so I guess that's something I kind of look forward to.

'Till then!

Journey to Central Luzon: 3D2N Bataan Trip

A very long overdue post!

Jem and I had been visiting various places during the month of June since Jem's duty was scheduled to start on July 1. Yes, my baby is already a clerk! *huhu so proud* anyway, so for our #hulinghurit, we've decided on visiting the historical province of Bataan!

Mt. Samat, Bataan

Laresio Lakeside: Resort for the Adrenaline Junkies!

Every once in a while, Jem and I look for some sort of activity which would pump some of our stored adrenaline; like watching a suspense film (mostly I do it alone) or going to the amusement park. This time we decided on visiting one of the rising destinations in Laguna, Laresio Lakeside Resort & Spa!

From Sur to Norte: 3D2N Ilocos Trip (Pt. 2)

For the second day of our stay in Ilocos, we woke up pretty early since our first stop would be the northernmost part of Ilocos, none other than Pagudpud!

From Sur to Norte: 3D2N Ilocos Trip (Pt. 1)

Even before the start of Jem's last vacation, we've been planning on going all out on our trips. Because of this, we listed down the top places we wanted to visit before the start of his clerkship (shout out: CONGRATULATION JEMBOY! HUHU SO PROUD OF YOU! NEVER DOUBTED IT FOR A SECOND!) *ehem* so anyway, for our first trip for the month of June, we went to explore the region of Ilocos!

Weekend Warriors at Mt. Batolusong, Rizal

So I was feeling down for the past couple of months and I needed to find a way to channel out all my negative thoughts and transform it into something useful. I thought, "what better way to distract my pessimistic mind by tiring itself out, right?". So on May 26, I posted an invite to my Facebook friends if they're up for a day hike at Mount Batolusong, Tanay, Rizal!

Shopping Centers in Singapore

I felt like this post took soooo long but anyway, here we are again! This will be my last installment about our trip to Singapore. For every trip, may it be local or international, what we eventually look for are the places where we can buy some pasalubong for our very expectant family and friends. This has been engraved within our culture and I don't think this is going anywhere anytime soon.

CHINATOWN!

A Day at Resorts World Sentosa

For the 2nd day of our stay in Singapore, we decided that we'll just spend it mostly inside Sentosa. Along with the plane tickets and the hotel accommodations, the raffle also included a free pass to three of Resorts World's attractions; Adventure Cove, S.E.A. Aquarium, and of course, Universal Studios!