Misery is a company

I tried back reading my blog posts just to check how my train of thought was during the past 6 years and I was honestly not surprised at how emotional I was, because frankly that hasn't changed.

I have been open about my mental health pretty much everywhere; on my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter (especially Twitter) and even in person. I was diagnosed way back in 2017 with depression and anxiety then re-diagnosed with Bipolar II after a month of medication and a follow-up consultation. That was September 2017. But I did something wrong. I didn't continue my meds and didn't attend follow-ups. Firstly because it really was too expensive for me. Secondly because I got scared of being too dependent on medications.

So I tried living my life as normal as possible. Of course a few hiccups is inevitable; panic attacks here and there, anxiety attacks, depressive episodes, and the ever exhausting manic episodes. I tried to balance it out by being physically active. They say exercise helps with your mental state but sometimes when everything is just too much, it can actually turn to the worse.

I ended 2018 on a shitty way and started my 2019 on a shittier way. Something bad happened to me which took every ounce of my self-control to not quit on life. Sometimes life really plays with you, right? I actually thought that everything was finally falling into place when 2018 started. I was enjoying my graduate studies, making new friends, learning a lot of stuff; I was finally in an environment I tried so hard to get back to after slaving myself in the corporate world. But the last quarter of 2018 took a 180-degree turn. Everything in my life started falling apart, some because of my own actions or better yet, reactions.

My depression became worse. I either was sleeping too much or not at all, but either way I was exhausted beyond relief. I turned to alcohol. I became dependent for a while; always out drinking and always drinking just above my limit so I could properly feel the buzz and immediately fall asleep when I get home usually on the early hours of the next day. Eventually I tried to balance my binge drinking with exercise, just to release the extra energy I have, which it turns out was too much. I ended up exercising too much. At first I got excited that I'm finally losing weight. But it didn't stop. I kept on shedding off weight and I feel unhappy about it. I eventually reached the point where I always felt exhausted and light headed. Even my period became affected because of the weight I lost. Then I realized that it was because I was just either exercising at the gym or binge drinking at night. My diet was at the worst state since I haven't been eating properly, cause I really don't feel like eating anymore. Everything I was doing was just to keep my mind off of things; sleep, work, exercise, drink.

Eventually smoking was added to that list. I began smoking since alcohol wasn't making me feel that buzz anymore. I have to drink bottles and bottles of beer just to feel that buzz, and I really don't want to have beer belly haha. Smoking became my way of coping with stress. It also helped with calming my nerves what with the high it gives off after every puff of lung poison.

I'm not at my healthiest state as of now. I've been drinking weekly, sometimes thrice a week. I've been smoking almost every other day. I haven't been to the gym for a month. I have been skipping meals. I've been fucking up my sleep schedule. I don't have a healthy diet what with making coffee a meal substitute. But worse of all, I haven't been feeling anything at all.

After wallowing in the pit of despairs last 2019, I just simply became numb altogether. I still feel like I enjoy things especially if it's happening at the moment. But I haven't really felt that joy genuinely. It's like since I already know what it feels like to despair, I look forward to feeling that again. So instead of trying to enjoy things, I look forward to the feeling of sadness that I'm sure will come back to me. Just waiting for the right moment to strike me; to finally push me off the edge and engulf me in the darkness.