Misery is a company

I tried back reading my blog posts just to check how my train of thought was during the past 6 years and I was honestly not surprised at how emotional I was, because frankly that hasn't changed.

I have been open about my mental health pretty much everywhere; on my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter (especially Twitter) and even in person. I was diagnosed way back in 2017 with depression and anxiety then re-diagnosed with Bipolar II after a month of medication and a follow-up consultation. That was September 2017. But I did something wrong. I didn't continue my meds and didn't attend follow-ups. Firstly because it really was too expensive for me. Secondly because I got scared of being too dependent on medications.

So I tried living my life as normal as possible. Of course a few hiccups is inevitable; panic attacks here and there, anxiety attacks, depressive episodes, and the ever exhausting manic episodes. I tried to balance it out by being physically active. They say exercise helps with your mental state but sometimes when everything is just too much, it can actually turn to the worse.

I ended 2018 on a shitty way and started my 2019 on a shittier way. Something bad happened to me which took every ounce of my self-control to not quit on life. Sometimes life really plays with you, right? I actually thought that everything was finally falling into place when 2018 started. I was enjoying my graduate studies, making new friends, learning a lot of stuff; I was finally in an environment I tried so hard to get back to after slaving myself in the corporate world. But the last quarter of 2018 took a 180-degree turn. Everything in my life started falling apart, some because of my own actions or better yet, reactions.

My depression became worse. I either was sleeping too much or not at all, but either way I was exhausted beyond relief. I turned to alcohol. I became dependent for a while; always out drinking and always drinking just above my limit so I could properly feel the buzz and immediately fall asleep when I get home usually on the early hours of the next day. Eventually I tried to balance my binge drinking with exercise, just to release the extra energy I have, which it turns out was too much. I ended up exercising too much. At first I got excited that I'm finally losing weight. But it didn't stop. I kept on shedding off weight and I feel unhappy about it. I eventually reached the point where I always felt exhausted and light headed. Even my period became affected because of the weight I lost. Then I realized that it was because I was just either exercising at the gym or binge drinking at night. My diet was at the worst state since I haven't been eating properly, cause I really don't feel like eating anymore. Everything I was doing was just to keep my mind off of things; sleep, work, exercise, drink.

Eventually smoking was added to that list. I began smoking since alcohol wasn't making me feel that buzz anymore. I have to drink bottles and bottles of beer just to feel that buzz, and I really don't want to have beer belly haha. Smoking became my way of coping with stress. It also helped with calming my nerves what with the high it gives off after every puff of lung poison.

I'm not at my healthiest state as of now. I've been drinking weekly, sometimes thrice a week. I've been smoking almost every other day. I haven't been to the gym for a month. I have been skipping meals. I've been fucking up my sleep schedule. I don't have a healthy diet what with making coffee a meal substitute. But worse of all, I haven't been feeling anything at all.

After wallowing in the pit of despairs last 2019, I just simply became numb altogether. I still feel like I enjoy things especially if it's happening at the moment. But I haven't really felt that joy genuinely. It's like since I already know what it feels like to despair, I look forward to feeling that again. So instead of trying to enjoy things, I look forward to the feeling of sadness that I'm sure will come back to me. Just waiting for the right moment to strike me; to finally push me off the edge and engulf me in the darkness.

Returning to the Blogger Life

I owe a bunch of life, love, and travel stories to this blog. BIG. TIME.
I haven't been active for quite some time now, more than half a year actually, because I just lost the will and the thought that my blog, this blog, is important. When in all actuality, it is very, very important to me. This page right here is like an online diary for me. Allowing me write down all my thoughts and opinions on things.

So allow by restarting, yet again, my blog this late 2018 by saying that I have finally ticked off a grand item from my bucket list. And that is: TO CONTINUE MY STUDIES :)

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Me after officially enrolling for the first time in 4 years!

3 Destinations in 3 Days: Where do broken hearts go?

As promised, here's my last travel post for the year 2016.

Way before Jem's 'last' vacay started (yep, we're dreading it haha), we had a mutal agreement that we would join a joiners tour. See this had been becoming quite popular for travel junkies and social butterflies over the past years. Joiners tour is a type of tour arranged by travel agencies which aim to lower the costs of travelling by having a bunch of strangers travel together in groups.

GALORE!

November 13, 2016

So yesterday I had a mental breakdown.

It was not the first time, but this was the first time after so long.
I thought I could still keep it together but it just all suddenly came crashing down.
All of my problems. All of my insecurities. All of my faked confidence.

The day actually started fine. I woke up quite early for a Sunday morning.
I did our laundry (my mom's, stepdad's, and mine).
I cleaned my backpack. I cleaned my Sk8 Hi. I cleaned my favorite stuffed toy, Duckie.
I ate my breakfast. I had lunch with my family.
Then I lie down to rest.

Jem pinged me on Facebook late afternoon; we had plans for that day.
I told him I'll be quite late since I'm still resting. He agreed.
He said he was sorry he couldn't pick me up but I said it was OK. And I was sure that it was OK.
Like everything is.

Then my anxiety kicked in.

I didn't want to leave our house.
I didn't want to see him.
I didn't want to see anybody.
I wanted to be at home. I wanted to stay still. I wanted to be alone.
But I had to leave 'cause we don't get to see each other very often these days.

Then my anxiety worsened.

I thought of all the days we weren't together. I thought of the days ahead that we won't be seeing each other. I thought of the days that I would need to keep my everything together. I thought of how my resolve to keep our relationship keeps on dwindling by each passing day. I thought of all of my insecurities about myself, about our relationship. I thought of how awful I am as a girlfriend and as a person for thinking cruel things towards him. I thought of how my future will be. What with all of my shattered dreams and unplanned course of action. I thought of how everyone I know, everyone I love, are slowly but surely stepping away from me. Leaving me to fend for myself and my worthlessness. Leaving me to solve all of problems, all of my insecurities. Leaving me with my awful thoughts.

And without noticing it, I was already with Jem all along. He was holding me while I poured out all of my pent up anger and frustrations. I cried and cried for more than an hour. But still trying to keep it together, because I couldn't add to his already enormous amount of problems.

So I remained stubborn.
He kept on asking me what was wrong but I told him to leave it be.
That I should be the one to worry about it. To think about it. To solve it.
I tried to laugh it off. Joking about how my breakdown started (that I didn't want to go to gym).
I told him to forget about it and that we should move on.
And I told myself to forget about it too, for the time being.

Then I got angry at myself.
Because even though I should and could tell him right then, and there, I got scared.
That all of my negative thoughts would come true.
That every thought my pessimistic mind conjured up will have a place on my reality.

So we kissed. And made up, even though we didn't really had a fight.
We went to the gym and I acted that everything is fine. Everything is all right.

But it wasn't. Up until now, I feel guilty for leaving him in the dark.
Up until now, I feel awful for how I let my cowardice get the better of me.
Up until now, I feel regret as to why I didn't tell him, tell anyone for that matter.

And you know what's the worst part is?
I know how I can help myself. To ease myself from feeling this pain, even if it's just a slight relief.

An Update from My List: Tagaytay Adventure (Pt. 2)

What the hell :)) I can't help but laugh at myself for forgetting about this blog and this post! I remember last year that I was so excited about this idea of keeping a blog and updating it from time to time whenever something worthwhile happens to me. Oh well, I guess since I promised that our adventure (from last year LOL) will have a part 2, here goes.

So for the Part 2 of our little adventure in Tagaytay (I'm trying my best to remember it since gosh it's almost its anniversary haha), after tiring ourselves and pigging out at Olivarez, we headed back to our hotel.

Whoever's idea it was it sucked, but we didn't take any pictures that night so this post will be pretty boring since it's only words.

Don't I?

I have the right to choose what really makes me happy, don't I?

It can't always be accepting things that I'm highly against and live with it my entire life, right?

I'm not a human who can bear so much weight on their shoulder and live life as if nothing's wrong and everything is perfect, right?

I can't always sacrifice my happiness and continue to fight if it isn't working anymore for me, right?

I'm just a normal human being who has limits and has the right to choose between what makes me happy and what makes me feel incomplete, aren't I?

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Bucket List (For the Year 2015)

So I decided that I will make an official bucket list that I must, with all my power, accomplish by the end of this year. Below is the list of things I want to do (alone or with my friends or with my significant other).

*This is an on-going list, so I might add some more. Maybe a few days or weeks from now ;)

• Visit these 10 Modern Art Museums that can be found on this link.
• Climb Taal Volcano! (because I wasn't able to come with my friends #sad)
• Visit the beach *with optional bonfire.
• Have a picnic at some park somewhere.
• Hiking & Camping! *bonfire required.
• Get drunk (LOL, easy one)
• Eat at a high-end restaurant *completely dolled up (here, even for just one resto!)
• Outing with College Friends           ----- Kinda hard to do
• Outing with High school Friends    ----- Kinda hard to do
• Buy my Mom something she'd like (for once).
• Buy myself at least 3 pairs of Vans shoes :)
• Stay at a nice hotel.
• ROAD TRIP!
• Watch at all the cinemas listed here.
• Play some live music somewhere/anywhere.
• Complete a lazy day (watch movies, eat pizza, drink beer).

PS

I'll be posting everything I accomplish here on my blog, so stay tuned! 

Again...

It's back.
I'm starting to feel it again...But now that I think about it, I don't think this feeling actually went away. Maybe, maybe it just hid itself for a long time. Hidden itself so to allow me to enjoy my life as it is for a few weeks, a few months. And now, it re-surfaced. Ever so slowly chipping away the pieces that I tried so hard to put back together.

**DISCLAIMER:We all handle problems differently.