Misery is a company

I tried back reading my blog posts just to check how my train of thought was during the past 6 years and I was honestly not surprised at how emotional I was, because frankly that hasn't changed.

I have been open about my mental health pretty much everywhere; on my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter (especially Twitter) and even in person. I was diagnosed way back in 2017 with depression and anxiety then re-diagnosed with Bipolar II after a month of medication and a follow-up consultation. That was September 2017. But I did something wrong. I didn't continue my meds and didn't attend follow-ups. Firstly because it really was too expensive for me. Secondly because I got scared of being too dependent on medications.

So I tried living my life as normal as possible. Of course a few hiccups is inevitable; panic attacks here and there, anxiety attacks, depressive episodes, and the ever exhausting manic episodes. I tried to balance it out by being physically active. They say exercise helps with your mental state but sometimes when everything is just too much, it can actually turn to the worse.

I ended 2018 on a shitty way and started my 2019 on a shittier way. Something bad happened to me which took every ounce of my self-control to not quit on life. Sometimes life really plays with you, right? I actually thought that everything was finally falling into place when 2018 started. I was enjoying my graduate studies, making new friends, learning a lot of stuff; I was finally in an environment I tried so hard to get back to after slaving myself in the corporate world. But the last quarter of 2018 took a 180-degree turn. Everything in my life started falling apart, some because of my own actions or better yet, reactions.

My depression became worse. I either was sleeping too much or not at all, but either way I was exhausted beyond relief. I turned to alcohol. I became dependent for a while; always out drinking and always drinking just above my limit so I could properly feel the buzz and immediately fall asleep when I get home usually on the early hours of the next day. Eventually I tried to balance my binge drinking with exercise, just to release the extra energy I have, which it turns out was too much. I ended up exercising too much. At first I got excited that I'm finally losing weight. But it didn't stop. I kept on shedding off weight and I feel unhappy about it. I eventually reached the point where I always felt exhausted and light headed. Even my period became affected because of the weight I lost. Then I realized that it was because I was just either exercising at the gym or binge drinking at night. My diet was at the worst state since I haven't been eating properly, cause I really don't feel like eating anymore. Everything I was doing was just to keep my mind off of things; sleep, work, exercise, drink.

Eventually smoking was added to that list. I began smoking since alcohol wasn't making me feel that buzz anymore. I have to drink bottles and bottles of beer just to feel that buzz, and I really don't want to have beer belly haha. Smoking became my way of coping with stress. It also helped with calming my nerves what with the high it gives off after every puff of lung poison.

I'm not at my healthiest state as of now. I've been drinking weekly, sometimes thrice a week. I've been smoking almost every other day. I haven't been to the gym for a month. I have been skipping meals. I've been fucking up my sleep schedule. I don't have a healthy diet what with making coffee a meal substitute. But worse of all, I haven't been feeling anything at all.

After wallowing in the pit of despairs last 2019, I just simply became numb altogether. I still feel like I enjoy things especially if it's happening at the moment. But I haven't really felt that joy genuinely. It's like since I already know what it feels like to despair, I look forward to feeling that again. So instead of trying to enjoy things, I look forward to the feeling of sadness that I'm sure will come back to me. Just waiting for the right moment to strike me; to finally push me off the edge and engulf me in the darkness.

Diary Entry: August 31, 2017

I've been inactive for a while now because I don't really have something worthwhile to talk about (or so I feel) but I guess I needed to let this one out even if it will just be here. It's been one complete week since I went out to seek assistance somewhere in Rosario, Pasig.

I was scheduled for a quick, which turned to a long, meeting last August 31 since it was the only opening the person I was meeting had. I called to schedule a meeting probably 3 weeks before that date so that's how in demand she was. Typically, I would have chickened out the last minute, but because of the support I received and how the logical side of my brain coaxed me in continuing, I entered and waited inside her little, homey office.

I found out about her with the help of a very close friend who asked another friend of ours. I was hesitant on calling the number given to me, thinking that I might end up wasting both her and my time by dropping by. Hours passed before I finally gave in and dialed her number using the phone inside our tiny, yellow office. Her secretary answered on the third ring and asked me a few questions and informed me of the next open schedule. I confirmed for an afternoon meeting on August 31; conveniently, it was our pay day and the start of another long weekend.

A day before my schedule, I asked my manager if I can take the day off due to medical reasons. He didn't ask anymore than that and agreed. I slept at Jem's house the night before since I needed to take care of another thing early in the morning. We probably only had 3-4 hours of sleep because we were talking 'till late at night.

Morning came and we both got ready. Him for his duty in UST Hospital and me for my big day ahead. After finishing my agenda in UST, I quickly headed to her office. I felt the drum of my heart with every step I take to get to my destination and the cold sweat that ran down the line of my back. I was scared. Then all of a sudden, I was already in front of her office. Sitting on a black plump sofa. Already waiting for my turn.

I texted Jem that I wanted out but he insisted that I should go since I was already there. He sent me supportive messages and I left it at that since I know he too was busy with his duty. When I felt that my knees were turning weak and my hands were sweating profusely, I stepped out and decided to eat at a nearby food stall to calm my nerves.

I returned right after and waited patiently for my name to be called. Since I was scheduled after her lunch break, I was able to take a short nap on her very comfy sand-colored sofa. There were a number of people waiting like me when I opened my eyes. Not long after, she came out of her office with a stack of folders in hand and called for my name.

"de Leon? Justine de Leon?" she announced.
I got up, "Yes po," I said. She smiled and ushered me inside her office.

Her office was filled with natural light. Really, the artificial ones didn't really help at all. There was a big book shelf on one side with a space that serves as her table and two big sofas situated on the middle back of the room. Between them was a brown coffee table. I couldn't help but look around her spacious office and observe every single detail because I needed to calm my steel nerves.

She gestured for me to sit down and she followed suit.
"So," she started, "how can I help you, Justine?"
An incomprehensible sound came out of my mouth followed by a short, embarrassed laugh.
"I honestly don't know where to start..." I replied.

But even after saying that, I was able to open up to her. My woes and all the negative thoughts I had clamped up inside. We probably talked more than what time let me feel. I walked out of her office after an hour with 2 prescription papers on my hand. One with 3 copies since she told me that pharmacists are heavily strict on that particular medicine.

I was diagnosed with depression.

And I have to take 2 prescription medicines to help me. Along with the feeling of depression, anxiety and panic attacks are very common so these two are also being addressed by the medicines given to me.

I've been taking my medicines for the past 6 days. The first time I took it, I felt like my head had weights attached to it. Not long after I took it, I was dead asleep on my bed. I was woken up the following morning by our dog, Aina, jumping on me. That was the longest sleep I had for the past few months. Before, I usually wake up in the early morning hours, usually around 3AM and get back to sleep by 5AM.

I searched for the side effects of the medicines I'm taking and mostly it says that I'll be feeling sleepy. Indeed I feel sleepy for the entire day. Thankfully I don't feel tired at all but just really, really sleepy.

Since it's only going to be a week since I started taking my medicines, I haven't really felt any changes with my psyche lol but hopefully, soon I'll be seeing any.

I'm scheduled for a follow-up this coming September 30 so I guess that's something I kind of look forward to.

'Till then!