Misery is a company

I tried back reading my blog posts just to check how my train of thought was during the past 6 years and I was honestly not surprised at how emotional I was, because frankly that hasn't changed.

I have been open about my mental health pretty much everywhere; on my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter (especially Twitter) and even in person. I was diagnosed way back in 2017 with depression and anxiety then re-diagnosed with Bipolar II after a month of medication and a follow-up consultation. That was September 2017. But I did something wrong. I didn't continue my meds and didn't attend follow-ups. Firstly because it really was too expensive for me. Secondly because I got scared of being too dependent on medications.

So I tried living my life as normal as possible. Of course a few hiccups is inevitable; panic attacks here and there, anxiety attacks, depressive episodes, and the ever exhausting manic episodes. I tried to balance it out by being physically active. They say exercise helps with your mental state but sometimes when everything is just too much, it can actually turn to the worse.

I ended 2018 on a shitty way and started my 2019 on a shittier way. Something bad happened to me which took every ounce of my self-control to not quit on life. Sometimes life really plays with you, right? I actually thought that everything was finally falling into place when 2018 started. I was enjoying my graduate studies, making new friends, learning a lot of stuff; I was finally in an environment I tried so hard to get back to after slaving myself in the corporate world. But the last quarter of 2018 took a 180-degree turn. Everything in my life started falling apart, some because of my own actions or better yet, reactions.

My depression became worse. I either was sleeping too much or not at all, but either way I was exhausted beyond relief. I turned to alcohol. I became dependent for a while; always out drinking and always drinking just above my limit so I could properly feel the buzz and immediately fall asleep when I get home usually on the early hours of the next day. Eventually I tried to balance my binge drinking with exercise, just to release the extra energy I have, which it turns out was too much. I ended up exercising too much. At first I got excited that I'm finally losing weight. But it didn't stop. I kept on shedding off weight and I feel unhappy about it. I eventually reached the point where I always felt exhausted and light headed. Even my period became affected because of the weight I lost. Then I realized that it was because I was just either exercising at the gym or binge drinking at night. My diet was at the worst state since I haven't been eating properly, cause I really don't feel like eating anymore. Everything I was doing was just to keep my mind off of things; sleep, work, exercise, drink.

Eventually smoking was added to that list. I began smoking since alcohol wasn't making me feel that buzz anymore. I have to drink bottles and bottles of beer just to feel that buzz, and I really don't want to have beer belly haha. Smoking became my way of coping with stress. It also helped with calming my nerves what with the high it gives off after every puff of lung poison.

I'm not at my healthiest state as of now. I've been drinking weekly, sometimes thrice a week. I've been smoking almost every other day. I haven't been to the gym for a month. I have been skipping meals. I've been fucking up my sleep schedule. I don't have a healthy diet what with making coffee a meal substitute. But worse of all, I haven't been feeling anything at all.

After wallowing in the pit of despairs last 2019, I just simply became numb altogether. I still feel like I enjoy things especially if it's happening at the moment. But I haven't really felt that joy genuinely. It's like since I already know what it feels like to despair, I look forward to feeling that again. So instead of trying to enjoy things, I look forward to the feeling of sadness that I'm sure will come back to me. Just waiting for the right moment to strike me; to finally push me off the edge and engulf me in the darkness.

El Nido Tour A: El Nido Basics!

Before traveling to El Nido, we already booked a tour with one of the contacts the conference we attended knew. From the different tour packages El Nido offers, Tour A has been the most popular (and cheapest at only PHP 1200) so we decided on taking this as well.

El Nido babies! (from left to right: Kenneth, ME!, (back) Sir Rey, Dani <3, Ma'am Donna, Ate Eli, Lexie, Abby)

Barhopping at El Nido!

Last May 2019, I, along with some of my lab mates and thesis adviser, attended a conference at Puerto Princesa, Palawan. AND SINCE we were already at Palawan, why not end our trip with a bang, right?! Immediately the morning after the conference, we rented a van to travel down to El Nido and what a way to start off our relaxation but to get shit drunk at one of Philippines' paradise!

 

First to choose the booze, first to get buzz!

Let's be cultured: Phantom of the Opera at Solaire

Remember when I said I'll properly take care of my blog this time around? WELL SHIT HAPPENS HAHA but I'm back (yet again!) trying to catch up with the drafts piled up on my profile!

I'll try to keep this one short cause I want to write more about my other adventures last 2019 hehe. But I wanted to include this one cause this has been literally a check from my life's bucket list!

 Taken near the lounge area of The Theatre at Solaire Resorts & Casino

San Pablo Laguna's Twin Lakes

Here' my first travel post of 2019! Technically not a travel post cause this was related to my graduate studies but what the hell, right? haha

As promised, I'll be posting the places I have visited for my fieldworks. So first off, the Seven Maar Lakes of San Pablo, Laguna.

The Graduate Student's Life

As per my last post, I'm currently pursuing my Master's degree in the University of Santo Tomas so that's what's keeping me busy for the past couple of months. Allow me to start my post debts by telling you all about my current study :)) apologies for this post will be quite nerdy.

ZESL A&P 2019

This image was taken the morning after some of us got shit drunk (some = me). pic.twitter.com/uBmx0EeBoX

— Tats (@tttttatin) July 14, 2019

Happy Anniversary

It's been exactly a year since I last posted here on my blog. I know I have always neglected this site but this was probably my worst record ever HAHA.


 So yeah, A LOT of stuff has happened and I was honestly contemplating on deleting this blog but I felt like deleting this would be such a waste! Honestly speaking, simply opening the link of this blog was VERY, VERY hard for me. I decided to be open about it here since I'm planning on continuing this little o'l blog of mine. Jem and I are no longer together so you won't be seeing him on my posts anymore haha. We had a good run. Did a lot of stuff. Traveled in most parts of Luzon. Learned a ton of things about the world and about each other. But there really are certain things in life that are supposed to end. I wish him success and happiness wherever life takes him, and I know he too wishes the same for me.

ENOUGH WITH THAT! :))

As what I have said, I'm planning on being an active blogger once again and I just needed to get that stuff out first cause I didn't want to delete/archive our travel posts cause apparently people found it helpful! Thank you for that and I really am sorry for not replying to your comments :(( I seriously just read about them just now, before typing this blog post. I'm such a bad communicator huhu I promise to change and really be active here.

I have a ton of stories to share with you guys so keep posted! I'll be prepping my posts tonight and schedule them for publication in the coming days and weeks. I hope the last 4 months of this amazing year will be a blast for everyone!

See you on my next post :)

-tatin