For The Past Few Days

I don't feel genuinely happy.
I don't have an appetite for anything.
I don't like to mingle with people.
I walk with my head down.
I haven't had a decent conversation with anyone.
Every time I try to smile my throat locks up and I get teary.

I'm even having trouble arranging my own thoughts.
The world is trying to aid me to deal with things and yet I'm the one depriving it of the opportunity to help me.

I'm Sorry.

I'm going to miss you.

I know I already said this to you; I even hugged you tightly while crying. I know you're not going to be gone for long. But still. Still, I'm going to miss the hell out of you.

I know I've been acting differently for the past few days. I know very well that I've been a little too dependent on you. Maybe that's even an understatement.

I dread the time I won't be able to see you. Touch you. Hold your hand. Hug you. Kiss you... because honestly, right now, you are what is keeping me together. Without you, I'm afraid I will finally break down. Finally fall into the broken pieces that I already am.

Untitled

Have you ever felt so sad and disappointed and you don't even know why?

You feel like the whole world is plotting against you and no one is there to lend a hand.

You feel like no one understands you.

You feel like you're being a little too sensitive about the things around.

You feel like you're being a burden as of the moment.

And nobody notices these things, that you are in deep suffering inside, because the atmosphere is very festive and it's a pre-requisite to feel the same way 'cause if you don't, then you don't belong.

Alone

There will be times where we will be feeling all alone.

Times where as much as we are being assured by the people around us - people who love us - that they are with us, through thick and thin, the assurance will never be enough.

It's selfish and downright wrong to disregard such support from these people but there are just things that you wish you could curl up and worry about on your own, because things have always been easier like that. You, you alone facing your own problems.

The Highest Privilege

"We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here. We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred?" —Richard Dawkins

Feelings

Brewing on the Horizon

You know what's worst than battling a typhoon? It's waiting for its arrival.

It's hard to fight a battle when it hasn't even started yet. It's hard to prepare for something you are not entirely sure about...

Waiting.

Anticipating.

Fearing.

Hoping.

This is what my country is doing right now.

What It Really Is

Seriously, Why? Why is it so hard to love?

Sometimes you feel like you want to pull all your hair out. Sometimes you want to punch a hole through the wall. Sometimes you want to claw someones eyes out (or even your own). Sometimes you want to kick something hard, like really hard. Sometimes you want to smash stuff. Sometimes you want to just lie on your bed and cry your eyes out.

However, even though you sometimes feel these unimaginable things, you just can't help hearing that little voice at the back of your head saying that that's just how it is. Love isn't something that will always make you extremely happy. Love is not there to make all things better in an instant...

Because love, love is faith, hope, and all the good things in the world mixed with the bad.

Love needs to endure in order to grow. Love needs tests and obstacles in order to be proven.

There will be times that you'll get to be so mad towards the world but there will be times that you'll see all the beauties of it. There will be times where you'll be wanting to build something instead of to break things. Help someone heal instead of causing injure. Times where you'll want to shout to the world how happy you feel being in love. And there will be times where you want to just lie on the bed, smiling hugely as you stare at the peaceful, sleeping face of the person you love.

Day Off From Everything

Today I didn't do anything.

Well if you consider sleeping all day an activity then, I did do something.

This, in all honesty, is one of my best day.

I practically didn't go out of bed. Watched TV all day. Didn't take a bath (which I am quite proud of haha).

But even though this day allowed me to unwind, it still lacked something. I don't know what but I have been searching for it all day. ALL DAY.
My entire body was aching to go outside. Craving for an adventure. Willing me to do something different; to walk, to ride a bus, to go somewhere far, to eat something I haven't eaten in a while, to meetup with the love of my life, to hug him, kiss him...

But that's the thing, I didn't. I didn't do anything. Except sleep all day. Except dream of those things I wanted to do instead.

Need : Relief

A Day at Work

Yet another day at work where everything has been an endless routine.

I wish I could escape from this.

I wish I could go live the life I want to live.

I wish there was no need for this.

I wish...

I wish...

And yet here I am. Sitting, waiting. Waiting for that spark of courage to push me off of this chair. To allow me to walk out of the door..

To allow me to walk away from everything.